Sick and Alone...
Today I woke up with a killer sore throat and now my nose is running. It's the first cold I have had in probably 6 months at least. It's the first cold I've had since I've been single. It's somewhat disconcerting to know that no one really cares that you feel like garbage. On top of this nice cold I have, my parents have dropped a bomb on me. They now want to have a sit down to "discuss all my options." Which I believe to be code for sitting down and trying to talk me out of joining the Marines. Apparently, now I have all these "options" that suddenly appeared because I'm making a choice that not too many people agree with. I'm not sure if I should even entertain the idea of this sit down meeting. It's not my mother I'm worried about, it's my father. He has a major issue with control. When he thinks he's starting to lose it, strange things start happening. One such example is him offering to take me shopping for a new wardrobe, since I've recently lost about 25lbs due to running and breakup stress. Another example, I can quit my current full time job, and go back to school full time and finish up my bacchelor's degree, and he will pay my mortgage payment, etc. Doesn't that seem fishy, that all of a sudden someone who you normally couldn't get to squeeze out a penny, is suddenly offering shopping spree's and rent-free life.
Sometimes I wish I could leave for Parris Island next week, or next month, just to get away from all the stress. When it rains it pours, it seems like. If it's not one thing, it's another. Stress with work, home, family or anything gets to be overwhelming after a while. I try to keep a positive outlook and just think of how much longer I have until I have to leave. 5 months to be exact. Then my life will change, hopefully for the better. I went to the poolee function for my RSS last weekend and met with some other poolees and Marines who had been in for a while. Some hated it and wished they never joined, some loved it and would join again in a heartbeat if they had to. I'm hoping I'm one of the people who love it. If I do in fact love it, I will definitely consider going career.
Now that I have this cold, I'm not going to be able to run on my normal schedule, but I'm hoping that it doesn't impact my times that bad. On Tuesday I ran 1.5mi in 13:02, which was only 4 seconds off my best time of 12:58 which I ran at the poolee function. I really do need to work on my crunches, that is definitely my worst spot. I know I need to just buckle down and do it, but by the time I get home from school after a full day of work, usually around 8 or 8:30pm, I just don't feel like doing crunches. I feel like eating dinner and going to bed, which is what I usually end up doing. My morning motivation isn't that great either. I haven't been sleeping all that well since I've been single, a little over 3 months now, and it's definitely been affecting my energy levels. I can get to sleep fine, but I'm usually woken up several times a night by dreams of my ex-b/f with the girl he was seeing on the side, who is now his girlfriend. I often wake up in a panic because of dreams where he's telling me they are getting married, or she is pregnant, or some other horrible scenario. I can't get back to sleep immediately, because I am afraid I will go right back to that point in the dream.
Right now, I'm sipping a cup of hot chocolate to try and calm my throat before I go to bed. I'm trying to stay positive and think about how much different things will be once I'm in and graduate recruit training, but sometimes it's extremely difficult to not spiral back into the thoughts of why things seem to happen to me and me alone, and what in the hell did I do to deserve this. In my mind, the quicker I go to sleep at night, the quicker I wake up and it's the next day, which is one day closer to the day I ship.
Hopefully some of this unneeded stress will pass and my life will return to some level of normalcy. I do miss the closeness of my b/f next to me in bed and waking up to someone that I am absolutely in love with. I hope one day that feeling might return, and I will be happy again. Love is a strange thing and it blinds you to things you would never put up with under any other circumstances. Although love is a bitch, I do miss it.
Sometimes I wish I could leave for Parris Island next week, or next month, just to get away from all the stress. When it rains it pours, it seems like. If it's not one thing, it's another. Stress with work, home, family or anything gets to be overwhelming after a while. I try to keep a positive outlook and just think of how much longer I have until I have to leave. 5 months to be exact. Then my life will change, hopefully for the better. I went to the poolee function for my RSS last weekend and met with some other poolees and Marines who had been in for a while. Some hated it and wished they never joined, some loved it and would join again in a heartbeat if they had to. I'm hoping I'm one of the people who love it. If I do in fact love it, I will definitely consider going career.
Now that I have this cold, I'm not going to be able to run on my normal schedule, but I'm hoping that it doesn't impact my times that bad. On Tuesday I ran 1.5mi in 13:02, which was only 4 seconds off my best time of 12:58 which I ran at the poolee function. I really do need to work on my crunches, that is definitely my worst spot. I know I need to just buckle down and do it, but by the time I get home from school after a full day of work, usually around 8 or 8:30pm, I just don't feel like doing crunches. I feel like eating dinner and going to bed, which is what I usually end up doing. My morning motivation isn't that great either. I haven't been sleeping all that well since I've been single, a little over 3 months now, and it's definitely been affecting my energy levels. I can get to sleep fine, but I'm usually woken up several times a night by dreams of my ex-b/f with the girl he was seeing on the side, who is now his girlfriend. I often wake up in a panic because of dreams where he's telling me they are getting married, or she is pregnant, or some other horrible scenario. I can't get back to sleep immediately, because I am afraid I will go right back to that point in the dream.
Right now, I'm sipping a cup of hot chocolate to try and calm my throat before I go to bed. I'm trying to stay positive and think about how much different things will be once I'm in and graduate recruit training, but sometimes it's extremely difficult to not spiral back into the thoughts of why things seem to happen to me and me alone, and what in the hell did I do to deserve this. In my mind, the quicker I go to sleep at night, the quicker I wake up and it's the next day, which is one day closer to the day I ship.
Hopefully some of this unneeded stress will pass and my life will return to some level of normalcy. I do miss the closeness of my b/f next to me in bed and waking up to someone that I am absolutely in love with. I hope one day that feeling might return, and I will be happy again. Love is a strange thing and it blinds you to things you would never put up with under any other circumstances. Although love is a bitch, I do miss it.
posted by JerseyWM at 9:50 PM
6 Comments:
haystack here from RS and nebv...
wow-what a story you have! You likely won't "hear" this for some time to come, but things don't happen to you and you alone...it just feels that way right now.
I understand a little of what you are going through, and can only encourage you to keep as much effort on getting your mind right as your body.
your di's are going to be getting both of them in Marine condition...your pt now, in preparation for basic training needs to include mental exercises too...and focus focus focus. separating out what matters...REALLY matters from what does not.
hang in there "kid"...I'll keep an eye on you, pat you on the back, kick you in the ass if you like :-)
but you gotta be ready in the head AND the heart...work on that a little too!
oh-and speaking as a father and grandfather of girls all around me...men suck! ;-)
Thanks for the supportive comment. I don't have much of that around me right now. I plan to be more active on Redstate as well as keeping up on this blog. Thanks for linking over to me, I'll add a link to your blog too.
I am currently a Marine Master Sergeant and a daily reader of Red State.
I've been in the Corps for just about 18 years now. I am a Legal Services Specialist (MOS 4421) and have spent most of my time serving in that MOS. I was a Drill Instructor and Senior Drill Instructor at MCRD, San Diego from 1995 - 1997.
I will assume your recruiter is giving you some helpful hints about recruit training. Listen to him or her. Your recruiter wants you to succeed as the "number" that you represent doesn't count unless you graduate.
I see you are having trouble getting motivated to do crunches. You need to dig deep and force yourself. One of the drills you will do in recruit training will be a 2 - 1 - 30 drill. Do as many crunches as you can in 2 mins, rest for a minute or two, then do as many crunches as you can in 1 min and repeat again for 30 seconds. This will help build up your endurance and it gives you a target to shoot for. You know that you can rest when you get to 2 mins, etc.
For run time improvement, try this. Go on a 3 mile run (you might as well get used to it now because that is the standard) run at about 75% for a mile and then slow down to 50% for mile two and then speed back up for mile three. If you need to you can start with a slow mile then go to a fast mile. Unfortunately, the only thing that will get you in shape for running is running. The key will be to build up your endurance.
As Haystack pointed out getting your mind right is just as important as getting your body right for recruit training. The hardest part of recruit training is the mental part of it. It is designed that way and has served us well for almost 231 years now. Remember Marines DON'T QUIT! When the chips are down you have to be able to dig down and find the courage to push on. Don't worry it is there you just have to find it.
jerseywm...thanks for the link, but could you change it to:
noendbutvictory.com? I have 3 blogs, but nebv is the primary one focused on supporting you guys and what you do for us....thanks-and please consider my offer in my comment to your new post...I bring a bunch of people with me that would LOVE to help you thru...
Thank you for the tips Master Sergeant. I am definitely going to try the crunch technique you suggested. I have been taking everything my recruiter says to heart. He is really a good guy, and doesn't treat me like I'm just a number. I'm the first female to come out of my RSS in almost 3 years, and the highests ASVAB scorer in recent memory. All of my recruiters are definitely rooting for my success.
Courage is something I need to work on. I realize I cower in a lot of situations and I need to overcome that. I know recruit training will break me of that habit. I do not intend to quit, no matter how much resistance I may face from my family or anyone else.
Haystack--I amended the link as you requested. I'll have to check it out.
Jerseywm,
It seems there are quite a few of us out there rooting for your sucess besides your recruiters! Haystack is a buddy of mine and contributor to a blog I write on, so I can tell you anything he says is good advice! I got an email from a friend asking I drop by and give you support. How could I not support a future sister in arms?
I'm an active duty Corporal in the Corps and wanted to tell you that MSgt is right on the money. I also want to tell you that the Marines, especially Recruit Training, will be some of the best times of your life. There will be ups and downs as with anything you do in life, but having the determination to EARN that Eagle, Globe, and Anchor will drive you to do things that you've never imagined.
I also want to tell you of my joining the Corps. My dad wasn't too keen on the idea at all. He wasn't pleased that his boy was giving up a full ride to college to join the Marines. I managed to convience him to talk to the recruiter at 0800 on a Saturday morning. We left at 1200, and my dad had stickers, a coffee mug, and ton of other free stuff. He walked out of the office with a smile on his face and the pride of knowing his son would be one of the few, the proud.
Don't let your dad talk you out of your decision. I am almost willing to bet money that he will be at your graduation beaming that his little girl is now a woman and a Marine. He'll also brag to all his buddies that his daughter is a Marine.
I'm going to add your blog to my RSS reader and keep up with you as you get closer to recruit training. You're more than welcome to email me, as well. Address is cplm-at-artitumis-dot-com.
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