Journey to the Corps

Sunday Night...

2006-10-15T21:36:00.000-04:00

The weekend's over already. My poolee function was a good time yesterday. We went on a run, about 1.75 miles, and called cadences. That definitely made the run go quicker. It bordered on fun actually. Although I am still the only girl out of all the pool's, they're starting to warm up to me. I kept up with the guys the whole time, during the run, and during our exercises after the run. We had to do push ups, mountain climbers, jumping jacks, steam engines, bodybuilders, flutter kicks, and a couple other exercises. I am a bit sore today, especially my abs. I was just happy I could keep up with everyone else, and when the recruiters asked how I was doing, I responded "full of joy, sir" every time. They said next month we might be able to go to a land navigation course, where they drop us out in the woods and we have to get from point to point with only a map and compass. That should be interesting for sure. I'm pretty bad with a map, and I have no idea how to interpret a compass. It sounds like fun though.

Other than that, I haven't done much of anything this weekend. I cleaned my house yesterday afternoon, and today I did homework all day and watched the Eagles game. Last night there was an event in the town I live in that was like a big Halloween party. I didn't go. My ex had hinted when I talked to him last that he might go, which means that I can't be there. I did not really want to go, especially if it meant that I might actually run into him and his g/f. I think I would die. I'd rather avoid it all together. I suppose it sucks that I am the one forced into hibernation by this whole thing, and he gets free reign on everything, but I guess if that's how it's going to be, that's how it's going to be.

I finally broke down and turned on my heat. It was 59 degrees in my house when I got up this morning. I hung with it until about 6pm, but I couldn't take it anymore, I was actually shaking cold in my own house. So, the heat's on 68. I still have fleece pants and a sweatshirt on, but at least it's not freezing in here. This morning I swear it was so cold I could almost see my breath in here. My house is really old, so the heat leaks out all the windows, despite having the storm windows down and the windows locked. You can actually see the shades move on some of the windows. Unfortunately, I cannot afford new windows, and since I will be leaving in February anyway, there's not much point in installing new windows. One thing that made me happy is that my heater actually worked when I turned it on today. It is 55+ years old, and it's like a waiting game to see when it's going to go. Hopefully I can get one more winter out of it. Last winter I had to keep my house on freezer because the natural gas prices were so high. I've heard they won't be as bad this year. I certainly hope so, I don't like getting $500 heating/electric bills every month.

I haven't talked to my ex all weekend. It's a bit surprising actually. He said on Friday he would call on Saturday, but never did. I haven't heard from him today either. I've stayed strong and not called him, although I have gotten the urge to. I'm sure I'll get a call at sometime tomorrow, and he'll act like nothing's going on, like he didn't say he was going to call. I don't want to know what he's doing, but I can't stop thinking about it. I don't want to know that he's out with her, but I keep thinking that if I do know that he's with her, it'll start to sink in a bit. I don't ask, because it hurts. It hurts either way, whether I know or not.

I did not hear from my father all weekend either. I was expecting him to call today to go out to dinner, because an email I sent to him on Friday said that I wasn't available Friday night, but I was available Sunday. I guess he wasn't available or something. Again, I shouldn't care, but I do. It feels like I'm getting let down all over again. Even though he's put my through emotional hell for the majority of my life, I still care what he thinks, and I still think he'll be different somehow. I think I have some kind of problem...LOL...I keep thinking people will change. It never seems to work out that way though. I keep giving chance after chance after chance, and nothing's different. The problem is that I'm not strong enough to stand up and say no more chances. That you've had your chances and you wasted them. I can't stand up to my father, and I can't stand up to my ex. I hope when I'm a Marine, I will have the courage to stand up and not let people treat me this way anymore. Right now, I'm so beaten down, I can barely function, and I'm certainly not strong enough to put everything on the line. I guess I'm afraid that if I stand up I'll lose those people. Some say that I would be better off without them anyway, but it's hard to see it that way. Besides, one is my father, but does that entitle him to unlimited chances? According to my mother, yes, but according to some others, that only goes so far.

I have yet to hang my DEP certificate on the wall. I have to find somewhere good to hang it. Somewhere that will inspire me and remind me of what I'm doing every day. I also want to get a USMC flag to hang outside my house. I still haven't thought about how I'm going to break the news at my work. I'm sure my boss will be angry, and not understand. I just wish people would understand and be behind me on this. Everyone seems to think that I'm doing it to get away from them, which seems sort of self-centered if you ask me, but that's only part of the reason. Not even a huge part. A bigger part is to prove to myself that I'm not a doormat, that I can be strong, and that I will be strong. I want to have confidence, self-esteem, pride. I want to earn that EGA, and no one can take it away from me, no one can challenge it.

Friday...

2006-10-13T22:12:00.000-04:00

It's Friday night, yet again. Again no plans for me. Just hanging around the house waiting to go to sleep. I'm going to watch Bill Maher at 11pm, for humor purposes only. You have to admit it's funny. Ben Affleck is on tonight, so it should provide for some good entertainment.

I'm looking forward to my poolee function tomorrow morning. Hopefully that will get my mind off things a bit. I took a run after work today, since it's my only night off. I ran 3 miles, but I was a bit slow on my pace. I'm not surprised, I haven't run since last Saturday. I'm just happy I didn't die during my run. I need to get back into the swing of things a bit. I've been letting my sadness take away from the things I should be doing. Not to mention it's hard to get out of bed in the morning.

It's gotten a bit cold lately, and I changed over to flannel sheets. I guess fall is really here. Soon it will be winter, cold and dreary. I'm contemplating whether or not I will get a Christmas tree this year. I have no presents to put under it. The whole thing is rather depressing actually. It will be my first Christmas without someone in my life since I was 16. My heart is still closed and I think it will be for some time. I have nothing to give right now and it would honestly be unfair to whoever I got involved with. I would probably end up punishing them for what my ex did and that's not right.

I'm looking forward to my time at MOS school after boot camp. I've heard it can be a good time. I've heard some horror stories about "barracks bunnies" and such, but I know that won't be me. I'm not that type of person. I have a slight fear that I won't fit in. I'm not much of a partier and I've heard that MOS school is basically like college. One big party with some school thrown in. I never went away to college or even been to a regular college campus, so I'm a bit nervous. Not to mention I'll probably be a bit older than the rest of my peers. Mostly, I'm looking forward to getting my USMC brand when I get done with boot camp. Originally, I wanted to get Semper Fidelis tattooed across my upper chest, a bit below my collar bone. Always Faithful, that's what I am, and that's what I'll always be. No one is really thrilled about my tattoo idea, it's too extreme they say. There are some other tattoo's that I want to get as well. I already have four, and I can't get any more before I leave for boot camp. That was one of my conditions of enlistment. I can manage, it's only four more months. After that, it'll be one of my first stops when I get home. There's a few that I want to get before I'm on to my next stop.

I received an email from my father today, detailing my "options." I've been avoiding the "sit-down" with my parents, because I really don't feel like getting torn apart. Option 1 is to go back to school full time and have my father pay my living expenses and college tuition. Option 2 is to go work for his company and pull down 50+k a year. Joining the Marines is still not an option for my father. He actually said in the email, I don't like what you're doing and I think you will regret it. That's one of those statements that you can keep to yourself. There is no need to say that. You might think it, but there is absolutely no reason to state it.

My ex stopped by for a bit around 7pm just to say hi. It was nice to see him, as I haven't seen him in almost a week. We were having a regular time until I made the mistake of asking him what his plans were for the night. He said he was meeting up with some of our old friends at a bar to hang out. I didn't ask, but I knew she would be with him. It hurts to know that none of my "friends" even bothered to keep in touch with me, or even see how I was doing. I'm being replaced in all of their lives, that hurts. Luckily I didn't break down like I did last time I knew for a fact that he was going to hang out with our old friends with her. I've been trying to put it in the back of my mind, or actually convince myself that she won't be there. It's so hard to live in a constant state of denial, but I'm not ready to deal with it yet. I don't know if I can deal with it yet. When he left, I just hugged him tight and whispered in his ear, "you know what you should do." He responded, "I know." He knows, yet he still does nothing. Maybe he thinks he will be happy with someone else. It might be a bit selfish to say, but he'll never find anyone else like me. He'll never be able to find another girl who will care for him like I do, and love him like I do. It'll just take him time to realize that I suppose. Everyone keeps telling me that by the time he does realize it, I will have moved on. It certainly doesn't feel like that now.

I've been working on my crunches, I did 45 tonight when I got home from my run. I've been keeping up on my push ups as well. I was feeling somewhat motivated when I got home from my run. I'm looking forward to my run tomorrow morning. I wish I had a running partner for my normal runs though. Because I have to go so early in the morning, it's tough. I think it would be fun to work out with someone else. Unfortunately, there are no other female poolees in my area. That kind of sucks. Most of the other male poolees still give me that "what are you doing here?" look. Like I don't belong. I suppose they'll warm up to me eventually. I'm pretty tired, but I want to stay up to watch Bill Maher. I'm looking forward to sleeping in my flannel sheets tonight though. I guess I'll get going for now, I might do a few more sets of crunches before going to bed.

It's Been a While...

2006-10-12T21:33:00.000-04:00

Wow, it's been a while since I've posted. It's not that I've been any busier than normal, I guess I just didn't have anything to say. I took my differential equations test, which I failed, despite all my studying. On Tuesday I took my physics exam, which I was sure I failed, but to my surprise I got a C. I was pretty happy about that. Other than that, it's just been the same routine. Work, school, studying, sleep. I haven't been sleeping all that good lately. I can't get to sleep at night and I end up staying up late and then wake up dead to the world. I've been trying to get to bed earlier lately. I've also been slacking off on my PT. I have a poolee function on Saturday, and I know we are going to take a "motivational" run. Hopefully I won't die.

I went to my recruiters office on Tuesday after my physics test and got my Welcome Aboard packet. I also got a DEP certificate in a frame. That is pretty cool, I'll have to hang it up somewhere. I've thought about taking some of the momentos of my failed relationship down, but I just can't yet. I want to replace all that stuff with USMC stuff, but I feel like I'm betraying him if I take it down. It's only been four months. I went out last Saturday night to a bar that is around the corner from my house. I had a few drinks and hung out with the owners. I've known them for a while, my ex and I used to frequent the bar, and I know he still goes and brings his new g/f with him. Needless to say they were surprised to see me, considering I've basically been in hibernation since June. It was fun, I had a few drinks. One of the owners wants to set up me up with one of the guys who works there, but I think I'm gonna have to turn it down. I'm just not ready yet. I don't really see the point in starting anything because I will be gone in four months anyway. Not to mention, I really don't want to see anyone at all. I basically want nothing to do with guys at the moment. Everyone thinks I should be over it by now, but I'm not. I keep hoping the next day will be easier, better, but it's not.

Over the weekend I thought I would do a little self-esteem boost by going shopping. I got some new work clothes and jeans that actually fit. I wear a size 2 now, and all of my old clothes are size 6 or higher. I felt better temporarily. Shockingly, I went into Ulta, the local snobby cosmetics store. I was somewhat embarrassed because I have never worn make up in my life and I had no idea what to buy or what colors to get, not to mention how to put it on right. Luckily, one of the girls who worked there was really helpful and nice, and I got some makeup. I've been trying this new look with the makeup and new clothes, but it's only boosted my spirit modestly. I still don't feel pretty or girly or any of those things that most girls feel. I've gotten a few compliments, so I must look different. I was having a good day on Saturday after I left the store until my drive home. I was about 2 minutes from my house literally, and then I saw something I wasn't prepared for at the moment. My ex and his new g/f at a convenience store getting into her car. I knew it was them. It crushed me. As they pulled out of the parking lot, I realized I would have to drive behind them when the light changed. Somehow I made it home, driving behind them for about a mile. I was shaking, I had to light a cigarette immediately, and I contemplated rear-ending her car just because it might hurt them, mainly her. I came home, shaken, and had to get changed quickly to go out to dinner with my dad and his g/f. It was extremely hard putting on the happy act on the way to the restaurant. Not to mention, at the restaurant it was almost constant grilling about me joining the Marines, which I really didn't need to hear. Luckily I kept my bearing and made it through dinner. After I got home from dinner, I went out to the bar I was talking about earlier, hoping to unwind and relax. I did have some fun while I was there. Hanging out with the owners of the bar that I hadn't seen in over 3 months was nice.

Sunday I went to my newborn cousin's christening. That was ok, I suppose. Just a family function, no big deal. The big deal was the Eagles game at 4:15pm. That was a good game, and I'm happy the Eagles won. I've been an Eagles fan forever. I was raised that way, my whole family are Eagles fans. It was definitely a great game. I was considering going to the bar near my house to watch the game, but as I drove home from the christening, I drove by the bar and his car was there, which meant it was off-limits. Unfortunately, I have been the one driven into hiding since the break-up. I am afraid to go to the places that we used to go to because I don't want to run into them, just because of the obvious awkwardness, plus I can't handle seeing them together. I can't handle seeing him with anyone else but me. People keep telling me this feeling will fade, and eventually I won't care, but it sure doesn't feel like that now. It feels like I'll never be able to deal. Sadly, I just watched the game by myself at home. I drank a bit and went to sleep.

Monday was a bit trying. I had just found out I failed my differential equations test. I was somewhat upset when I got home. I drank 4 drinks, which is my all time most, believe it or not. I spoke with my ex, who could tell that something was up. He tried to help, and he did a lot. Sometimes it's just nice to hear his voice and to hear him. He basically knows me better than anyone else does. He gets me. He knows how I feel and why I'm feeling that way. In that way, I'm glad I still keep contact with him, even if it does hurt me overall. The happiness sometimes overrides the pain in keeping contact with him. The thing that sucks the most is the false hope. I keep thinking that he'll call me and say they broke up and he wants to try and make it work with me, but he's not. Everytime I talk to him I get a glimmer of hope. I've heard sometimes hope is the only thing one has to hold on to. I'm holding on to it for dear life. Without some hope, I have nothing. I have the Marine Corps, but I still have 4 months before my adventure begins. Sometimes it feels like I cannot suffer one more day, that I cannot deal one more day, and I think of what's going to happen February 19, 2007. And more importantly, what's going to happen May 19, 2007. I cannot wait to leave, go to boot camp, graduate, and return a new person. I hope boot camp lives up to the expectations I have, and I hope it changes me. When I come back, I hope I will be a different person, no longer putting up with BS from anyone.

Otherwise, I've still managed to avoid the sit-down with my parents. I wish they could be supportive and be happy about my decision. My father sees it as a failure within his family. He puts a lot of value on going away to college and doing that whole thing. I didn't go away to college or do anything like that. I was under tremendous pressure to do so, but I didn't. My father sees people who join the military as people who have no other options in their lives. They can't hack it in college, in life, and need something to do it for them. I think he might see me as a loser or something. When I told him about my previous poolee function, he asked me if I thought the other kids there were losers or derelicts, degenerates, white trash, druggies, etc. I said no, I thought they were a bunch of regular kids. I don't know if he was expecting me to say that, and why would I want to join something where everyone else is worthless. I told my recruiters about what he said, and they were definitely offended. I would be too if I was them. My Gunny Sgt. actually got a little angry about it. I don't blame him. They say he'll come around when I graduate, and all of a sudden he'll be proud of me and see that the Marine Corps is not the last stop for desperate people. I can only hope. My recruiters are great. I get along with them, and it's almost like they're my friends. I can talk to them about anything, and it seems like they understand. I don't really have any friends, and having someone to talk to every once in a while is nice. I might go out with them some night to the bar, because I am over 21 and I don't think it's against the rules. They're all happily married too. I'm excited about going on recruiters assistance when I get back from boot camp. I can't wait to go back to my old high school and show everyone, the teachers, everyone that I did something. Everyone will know that I did it, I made it. I won't remain stuck here forever, I will do something with myself. I won't be a depressing neg-head forever.

Well I'm off to bed. I'm going to make an effort to post on here more often and not let weeks go by. I also need to pick up my PT, and get motivated. Motivation is tough sometimes, because it's so easy to just sleep in, eat too much, drink too much. I need to regain that motivation that I had not too long ago. Some thing I should have it out of anger, anger against my ex, my parents, everyone, but I don't have the guts to do it. Hopefully one day I'll get them.

The Suspense Continues...

2006-10-04T22:52:00.000-04:00

Well I won't find out until next week what I got on the dreaded differential equations test. The suspense is killing me. I'm gonna take the edge off by studying for my physics exam next Tuesday. Other than that, just a routine day. Work was ok, I suppose.

Lately I've been listening to the local AM talk radio station, 1210AM The Big Talker. I listen to Michael Smirconish repeats on my way home from school and Sean Hannity on my way to school. Of course I've been hearing and reading about the latest scandal, Mark Foley. If you're not familiar with it, he's a FL representative who was found out to be having or attempting to have a sexual relationship with a 16 year old male page who was working in the House of Representatives. Despicable, for sure. He resigned immediately, as he should of. Hopefully, if any laws were broken, he will be prosecuted. The latest question is who knew what and when. There are rumors abound about Denny Hastert (Speaker of the House), stating that he knew about the attempted relationship long before it came out last Friday. If that's the case, he should be tried as an accompliss for endangering the welfare of a child. But who knows I suppose, only the people involved know what really happened. Either way, this is a big event considering there is an election coming up in November. This scandal has rocked a lot of boats including the RedState ship. A long time poster, kowalski, has decided to leave RedState as well as the party due to this latest incident. I don't blame him really. I am pretty disgusted with how things have been going in this country in the last few years. I'm not disgusted enough to go to the "dark side" but I can see where kowalski is coming from. It feels like a hopeless battle. As hard as we all work to get these guys elected and they just screw us once they get into office. I think the root of the problem comes down to power. Men with power want more power and they often forget their moral standing to attain it. It's a shame really. Anyone who really does want to change things seems to get sucked into the game. Hopefully things will change for the better sooner rather than later.

I'm going to keep it short tonight. I want to try to get to bed at a decent time. I've been so tired when I wake up in the morning, and I know it's because I've been going to bed too late and not getting a good sleep. One day I'm sure it'll be different, I just keep hoping that day will come soon.

Tuesday...

2006-10-03T22:03:00.000-04:00

Another night. Last night I took my first differential equations test. Eeekkkk....it was hard. I was not feeling too confident about the test. I think I'll find out tomorrow night how I did. Hopefully I squeeked out a passing grade. Next Tuesday I have my first physics test. I'm not looking forward to that one either. Hopefully, I will do well on that exam. I've been thinking a lot about what I want to finish a bachelor's degree in. I know it's not Computer Science, because I think if I take anymore physics or math classes, my head will explode. I was looking at possibly doing political science. I'm interested in politics for sure, and I think the background would be useful in intel as well. If I actually make it to OCS and get a high ranking position, the poli sci background could help.

I spoke to my recruiter last night as well. I still have to do my Welcome Aboard thing and sign my updated contract with my job selection and ship date. I am supposed to go to the office Friday night or Saturday during the day to finish up. I also have a poolee function next Saturday. I'm looking forward to it. Hopefully I can participate a bit more this time. Last time all the guys played football and I just kind of sat their and watched. I'm the only female poolee, so I'm a bit limited in how much I can involved. Most of the guys still look at me like "what are you doing here, you don't belong here." Hopefully they'll warm up to me over time. The question I seem to get the most is, "What's your MOS, Admin???" It makes me want to smack them. Nothing against admin, but I'm not going into the Marine Corps to do admin. I want to actually use my brain, and not get bored on the job. I don't want the next five years to be boring and dull. Although I've heard that living on base in the barracks will resemble college more than what you'd think of as military life. That frightens me a bit. I've never been much into the party scene, and I'm not sure if I'll fit it, of if I'll just be viewed as the uptight one, as I have been in the past. What I see as morals everyone else sees as boring and uptight.

I've thought a bunch about starting to write again. Not blogging writing, but real writing. I used to write a lot when I was younger, but I kind of lost it, I guess. I ran short on ideas and time. I'd like to get back into it, but I always seem to be short on ideas. Writing about my life in the third person gets a little old and depressing. I fear I might have lost it forever. I like writing political commentary, but that's more opinion/fact based, not so creative.

I've been drinking a bit lately, which is totally unlike me. Right now I'm sipping my second Mike's Hard Crisp Apple. It taste's like carbonated apple juice. I've almost finished two six packs in the last 4 days. Right now I have a warm calm feeling that's flooded over me. It's kind of nice actually. What's wrong with a bit of escapism once in a while? I've never been much of a drinker, mainly because alcohol/drug problems run in my family, and I figured the best way to avoid any of those problems was to never do it in the first place. At least with drinking. It's difficult, because when I used to hang out with my old friends, it seemed like I was the only person who wasn't drunk. I always felt like an outsider, not to mention everyone thought I was weird because I didn't drink. I don't know if I had a case of bad friends or being too uptight. I guess it doesn't matter much anymore, considering I don't talk to any of them anymore since my ex and I broke up. He's taken them all and replaced me. Sad but true unfortunately.

I just started reading a new book. I figured I should try to pry myself away from the TV once in a while. I started reading Black Hawk Down. I ordered most of the books on the Marine Corps reading list for rank up to Cpl. I figure it will help me get prepared for recruit training and life in the military. I want to be as prepared as I can be before I go. I would like to shoot for graduating #1 in the platoon, but I'm not setting my hopes on it. I'm sure there will be other girls that are smarter and in better shape than I am. I took a run this morning, it went pretty good, I ran 1.5mi in 13:06. I want to keep my 1.5 mi time under 13mins and work on my 3 mile time. I know I will need to run 3 miles almost constantly in recruit training. I want to shoot for the 300 PFT score. I have a copy of the PFT scale for female OCS candidates. 70 seconds on the flex arm hang, 100 crunches in 2 minutes, and a 3 mile time of less than 21 minutes. It seems impossible now, but hopefully I'll get there. Ugghhhh, the crunches are the worst. I really need to work on them. The hard part is just getting up in the morning to do them.

I'm a little tired and a little buzzed, so I think I'll call it quits for tonight. Less than five months until I ship...

How quickly the weekend comes...and goes...

2006-09-30T22:29:00.000-04:00

Another Saturday night. I spent the day studying for my differential equations test on Monday. I am not ready. My instructor gave us a practice test to work on over the weekend. It's four pages long and has about 30 problems on it. It took me eight hours to go through the first page. And I didn't even get most of the problems right. I'm doomed for sure. I had to take a bit of a break as my brain was starting to hurt. I'm going to pick up on it tomorrow. Other than studying, I mowed my lawn (finally) and went for a 2 mile run this morning after almost 2 weeks of slacking due to a cold. I ran it in 17:34, pretty good I guess. My 1.5mi time was about 13:30 which is slightly off, but then again, I haven't run in almost two weeks.

My ex stopped by to say hi this morning while I was outside mowing my lawn. It was painful but happy. I miss him so much, and I miss his hugs. I got a hug from him and somehow it soothed my pain just a little bit. Sometimes the pain he causes me and I cause myself can be dulled by his hugs. He always has kind words and encouraging things to say to me, probably to make up for what happened and to get me to move on a bit. It's been about 4 months, and I'm still stuck in the same place I was when we broke up. I wish things didn't go down like they did, but there's nothing I can do about it now. I still hold out hope that he'll change and realize what he gave up. I'm not holding my breath, but I hope me being away at recruit training will maybe make a lightbulb go off in his head. I won't be around, I won't be accessible, I'll really be gone. Hope is all I can cling to I suppose.

I'm going to keep this one short tonight, as it's already 10:30pm and I'm kinda tired. I'm so old, I have to go to bed at 10:30pm on a Saturday night....how depressing..... Anyway, tomorrow I have a big day of continuing to study for my test, which hopefully I will be able to squeek out a passing grade. The Eagles are on Monday night this week, but there is a Law & Order:SVU marathon on tomorrow that will keep me company during my study-thon. I have some laundry to do and some cleaning. I'm going to dinner at my mom's tomorrow night, and no doubt my enlistment will come up. Luckily my mom is a bit more supportive than the rest of my family. When I'm not so tired, I'm going to post about the dinner meeting I had with my dad on Friday night, it was interesting for sure. I definitely got his implied perception of what he thinks people who enlist are like.

Anyway, good night for tonight, and tomorrow will be one day closer to the day I ship out.

Another Night...

2006-09-28T21:19:00.000-04:00

It's Thursday night and I've made it through another week of hectic classes and work. My lab went fairly quick tonight, and somehow I was the only person in my lab group who actually knew what we were supposed to be doing. I was the most surprised by far. I was home by 8pm which is pretty earlier, considering I usually get home around 8:30pm. Eating at 8:30 and then going to bed really sucks. I try to eat light, but it doesn't always work. Now I'm sitting at my computer watching Extreme Makeover and drinking a Mike's Hard Crisp Apple. It's actually pretty good. I don't really drink hardly at all, but I just felt like it for some reason. I need something to lessen the stress a bit. Every day it seems like it's something else. I'm taking a stab at trying to relax a bit.

My day at work was pretty good, I sold five insurance policies today, which is about my average. The day went quick, which is nice. My new co-worker/roommate didn't come into the office until about 3:45pm. Must be nice. I have to be in at 8am every morning. Apparently he has some leads that he's going to be following up on next week, that should be interesting for sure.

In other news, I received a congratulations letter from the New Jersey Recruiting Station on my enlistment. That made me feel good. Even though it was just a computer generated form letter that didn't even have a real signature, it still felt good. This last week has made me wish that I could move my ship date up to maybe, I don't know, next week. It seems the sooner I get out of here, the better. The sooner I escape all of this the better. I have to call my recruiter, I haven't talked to him in almost two weeks. I still have the Welcome Aboard presentation to do, and I'm conflicted about whether to just do it by myself, or to involve my parents. I'm still stalling on the "sit-down." I can't decide whether I should subject myself to a possible tag team event, or just state that I've made my decision and that's all there is to it. I don't want to be rude or ungrateful, but I don't see how the "options" my father is presenting is really in my interest. I have the feeling that it's only in his interest, so he can continue to control my life basically. I still wonder why I'm the only one happy about my choice. I know I'm going to come back from recruit training a whole new person. I so want confidence, self-esteem, a backbone. My mother says, "well there's other ways you can do that besides joining the Marines." In my mind there isn't. Almost everyone I have put any trust in has betrayed me. It seems like I try to pull myself up and then someone is always there to push me back down. Once I graduate, and I'm a Marine, no one will be able to push me down, or take what I've earned away from me. It's something I can keep with me forever. And as cliche as it sounds, the Corps will live on forever, and when I die, as a member of the Corps, I will live forever. One good thing is that I have met some very supportive and understanding people through the internet. While I may not know them in real life, the support that they give still means a lot to me. I do still wish my family would come around and be happy for me. Because no matter how much support I receive from outside people, it still doesn't satisfy the need for familial support.

I've been trying to keep up more with politics lately, and it's starting to suck me back in. I now listen to Sean Hannity on my way down to school in the afternoon. I don't particularly like Sean Hannity, but it's conservative radio, and I can tolerate him. I've been reading Redstate daily, and it does seem like the commenting has gone down a bit since I was posting before. I'm going to try and bridge the gap a bit. I recently posted an article about a Bob Menendez which got a few comments. In the near future, maybe over the weekend, I plan to post a story about the Roger Waters concert I recently attended. It was a great show musically, but I did not care for the overt leftism that was displayed. On the large screens around the stadium pictures of President Bush with the famous "flight suit" and Mission Accomplished banner were show, along with pictures of soldiers holding guns to people's heads. This especially miffed me considering I did just enlist in the military. I don't have a problem with his political opinion, but when I'm paying money to hear music, I don't want your political opinion too. Especially when the music I'm paying to see was released 20-25 years ago, and does correlate with any events of today. In the middle of the show, a huge pink pig balloon was released over the audience. The pig had writing on it. I struggled to see it up in the sky, it said "Don't be laid to slaughter, vote Nov 2nd." There was also a song played right before the intermission that was a Roger Waters original and fairly new I assume called "Leaving Beirut" I think. The lyrics were being shown on the big screen in a cartoon format, and one of the lyrics was "Don't let the might, the Christian right, fuck it all up For you and the rest of the world." Now ok, I'm not the biggest Bush fan, nor am I a Christian, but this I think crosses the line. There is no reason to even play a song like this. And the sad thing is that the stadium basically erupted when it was sung. Most of the fans were people my age, and it just shocked me that so many of my peers have gone to the left. Although I don't know how much they were really comprehending what was going on because it seemed like I was stuck in a giant pot cloud the entire time. Anyway, I know he wouldn't be able to pull that crap in a red state. I also looked at his tour schedule and noticed there were no red states on the list really. If you want to read the other lyrics to the song, which actually mention Bush by name, you can get them here: http://www.roger-waters.com/lyricsbeirut.html. It really shocked me that someone could come into America, and play this type of music to paying fans. I paid to hear The Wall and Dark Side of the Moon, not Rogers Waters' political thoughts. Maybe I'm being a bit extreme, but it's almost like Chavez calling Bush the devil. Who do you think you are, coming here, and spewing that nonsense to paying customers....argghhhh, that irritates me to no end.

Well I think I'm going to get to bed. I've been trying to get to bed early lately, but it doesn't always work out. I have trouble falling asleep and then when I do finally get to sleep, I wake up from these dreams about my ex and his new g/f. It's the worst. I haven't slept right since the breakup almost four months ago. Hopefully a full nights sleep will come back to me soon.

A New Week...

2006-09-25T21:55:00.000-04:00

Today was the first day of a new week. Work was rather hectic today. Nothing like coming in to 44 emails in my inbox and a few voice mails. Also, a new sales guy started last week. He is outside sales and works on comission only, but somehow my boss saw it to be a good decision to hire someone who has no experience in the industry and has never done sales before. Needless to say, it's now my job to train this person on how to sell medical insurance. Not to mention how to use a computer. I actually had to show him where the power button was on his computer today. I swear I will be bald by the end of the month. On top of all those great attributes, I find out he's a lefty. I try to keep my political opinions out of the office for obvious reasons, but in the course of our conversation surrounding the health insurance atmosphere in New Jersey, he asked me if I watch Bill Maher. I do, but mainly for humor, not actual political opinion. Occasionally I agree with Bill, but he's moved too much to the left for me. Then he asks me if I watch Jon Stewart, that I do not watch. It appears that The Daily Show is a source of news for this guy....this is going to be very interesting.

I have not broken the news to anyone in my office that I've enlisted in the Marine Corps. I figured I would wait until after the new year to drop the bomb. I'm sure my boss will be less than thrilled, because I will be giving up a pretty good job to get a $1500/month paycheck. Currently I am the number one sales person in our office, even surpassing my own boss in sales. I can't say I get the credit I think I deserve, but I get some. I haven't gotten a raise in over two years, but I do make commission on my sales, which helps make up for it. I'll miss my job and my co-workers, but I have a feeling I'll enjoy my new job a whole lot more.

I'm going to keep tonight's post short, just because I want to get to bed at a decent hour so I have enough energy to get up and go for a run tomorrow before work. I did manage to do some crunches when I got home from school tonight, 37 in 2 minutes, an improvement, but I still have a lot of work ahead of me in that area.

When I wake up tomorrow morning, it will be one day closer to the day I ship.

Another Saturday Night...

2006-09-23T21:36:00.000-04:00

Here I am on another Saturday night. I guess I should be out partying or doing something tonight, but no. I'm posting on my blog and watching Law & Order: SVU. Another enjoyable Saturday night. And as an additional perk, I have no voice today. I'm feeling better but, my voice escapes me. I'm thinking that if I'm feeling up to it I might go for a run tomorrow morning, because I haven't been running since last Tuesday. I haven't been doing much of anything since last week. My big excitement for tomorrow, besides perhaps running, is cleaning my house, doing laundry, and finishing the massive amount of homework I have for my two college classes. I don't recall whether or not I mentioned what classes I'm taking this semester to finish up my degree. The last two are Differential Equations and Physics II + Lab. My brain hurts just thinking about it. Hopefully I pass both my classes and finally get my Associates degree in Computer Science with a minor in Math. Once I decided to enlist, I figured I might as well get this out of the way before I go in, it'll be one less thing I'll have to worry about. I hope to finish my final two years to get my Bachelor's degree in the Corps and then move onto Officer's Candidate School. My recruiter told me that OCS looks favorably towards females because there aren't too many of us out there.

Another reason I decided to go back to school was to partially get my mind off all the stuff that's been going on lately. If I'm never at home, then I really never have to think about the fact that my house is empty, and no one's coming home. Not to mention the quicker I go to sleep at night because I'm so beat, the quicker I wake up and it's the next day, which means it's one day closer to the day I ship out. I had a minor meltdown this morning when I woke up. Waking up alone is not something that has been easy to get used to. I had spoken to my ex b/f yesterday and he asked me what my plans were for the weekend and I replied with my usual response of nothing. He said he was going out to a bar to see a band last night, with his new g/f. I tried to act like it doesn't bother me, but it does. This morning it dawned on me, it's over, it's really over. My place has been taken. He's introducing her to all of our old friends. It hurts. I know I shouldn't care, and I know I should be angry, but I do care, and I can't get angry. What I'll never understand is if our relationship was so great, as he claims, why wasn't it worth working for. Why was it so easy for him to betray me and abandon everything? I don't think I'll ever understand.

In other news, I've managed to delay the "sit-down" with my parents at least until the end of next week. I'm debating on whether or not I should even participate in this if all it's going to be is a tag-team event to try and talk me out of my enlistment. My parents both know that I have conditional waivers attached to my enlistment. The main one being no more tattoo's until after I graduate recruit training. As much as my parents hate my tattoo's, I wouldn't put it past them to encourage me to get another one so I would get discharged from the Marine Corps. The only supportive family member I have is my uncle. He is a former Marine. He enlisted right out of high school in 1968 and went directly to Vietnam. He received a bunch of combat promotions, service medals, and a purple heart. He broke his back in Laos and was medivac'd to Okinawa. He says that if he didn't have a wife and two children at home he would've stayed in, because he really did like it, after Parris Island of course. The Island was a whole different place when he was in. He told me a story about a drill instructor he had who used to punch him in the chest every day for no reason, just to give him a hard time. He was down there for something like 20 weeks before he graduated. He is happy for me and comes to my defense whenver someone asks why I would want to do this. Unfortunately, I don't get to see him very often. We're supposed to go to the rifle range so he can show me how to shoot.

Shooting is one thing that I am definitely nervous about. I've never handled any sort of gun or ammunition, or anything. Guns in general make me pretty nervous. I know this is yet another thing I'll have to get over if I expect to make it through recruit training. I'm sure once I get used to the idea of handling a gun, I'll be ok. The first step is just picking it up and not being afraid of it. Really all it is is a piece of metal, with some more metal stuffed inside of it. But it's more than that. It's knowing that I have the power with that piece of metal to take someone's life. That's the scary part. I know that I could one day be faced with that decision if I get deployed. I wonder now if I would be able to do it if faced with the situation. I know the Marines will make me into a "killer," but would I really be able to take someone's life? I suppose that if was a choice between my life and someone else's, I would take precedence. Another courage issue I'll have to work on.

I'm pretty tired tonight, I didn't get a whole lot of sleep last night, mainly because I kept waiting for my cell phone to ring. Selfishly, I was hoping my ex would call me to say he needed me to come get him because he was fighting with his g/f. If the call came, I would have gone. I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I'm not needed anymore, because someone else has taken my place. I'm hoping tomorrow when I wake up my voice will be back and it'll be a bit easier. Everyone says that each day it'll get easier, and slowly the pain will fade away. I'm still waiting...

A Small Bright Light...

2006-09-21T21:36:00.000-04:00

Last night after posting on here, I announced my enlistment on Redstate.com, my favorite conservative community blog site. I received a very warm welcome along with many congratulations and thank you's. This genuinely warmed my heart. To know that so many people are grateful for my enlistment and willingness to possibly go to war, makes me even more confident in my decision. The majority of my family could be classifed as "raging lefties" to say the least. It's somewhat strange that the apple fell so far from the tree in that area. My mother considers The Daily Show a credible source of news and agree's with Hugo Chavez's recent "el diablo" remarks at the UN. My father is a firm believer that the GWOT is really about oil and our every expanding business interests in the region. I half agree with that statement, mainly because it really can't be denied that we have serious needs that can be filled with the resources in that region.

Anyway, before getting to far off the subject, it was very comforting to know that so many people are grateful for my willingness to go into the United States Marine Corps during a war. I've been reading and participating on RedState for over a year and a half now, and have always enjoyed the content of the site, even if I don't neccessarily agree with everything written on it. The articles are always very intelligently written and well researched and bring credibility and respect to the conservative community, which I think gets the undeserved reputation of "being for the rich and by the rich" or "the right-wing crazies who want to outlaw all fun and convert everyone to evangelical Christianity." I much prefer to read the articles on RedState than listen to my local conservative talk radio station (1210AM), mainly because the national syndicates presented (Rush, Sean Hannity, etc.) are inflammatory and are often guilty of the same things they accuse liberals of resorting to, such as name calling, hanging up, etc. I much prefer our local talk radio guys such as Michael Smirconish, Jay Severn, and Glenn Beck to a degree. The great thing about RedState is that the contributors are not straight party line people. You'll see just as much criticism of Bush as you will praise. They stand for true Republican values, not what's popular this election cycle.

On another note, I received a call from my recruiter today and I have gotten the Intelligence MOS I requested. That is great news considering it was my first choice and the first time I had requested it. The Intelligence MOS requires 5 years active duty instead of the usual 4, which is fine with me, but again, I'm sure almost everyone else won't be. I'm still debating on whether or not I want to participate in the "sit-down" my parents are proposing. I have a feeling that regardless of what I might say, or how good I think my reasons are for joining, they will not be good enough to satisfy them. They would much rather I go to college and finish my Bachelor's degree here, or go work for my father at his business where I could be making quite a pretty penny for my age. I hope to have the Corps send me to college to pursue the Officer's Program once I move up in rank a bit. Now I realize that the military does not pay all that well at all, especially considering what you're actually doing, but I'm not joining for the money. By joining the Corps, I will be leaving a job that pays me roughly $45k/year currently. For a 24 year old, that's a pretty good job. But having a bunch of money is not all that important to me, of course I like to have nice things, etc. but it's not my main motivation for doing things. If it was, I'd be working for my father's business making $50k+ per year.

My reasons for doing this are so much deeper, I don't know if my parent's are capable of understanding. My parents grew up in the Vietnam era and were both anti-war. Despite the fact that my uncle on my mother's side was a Marine in Vietnam and accomplished quite a bit in the short time he stayed in, they still were anti-war. Now I can definitely see where they were coming from during that time, because I can't say that I would be for a Vietnam type engagement in the name of an opposing economic system. They both have maintained that they supported the soldiers and wanted to bring them home and did not support our government's use of our military. I can understand that. You can support the military while disagreeing with what they are ordered to do. I hope that they will come to support me regardless of what I may be ordered to do, such as go to Iraq, Iran, or any other "hot zone" in the world.

I'm going to get back to trying to kick the hell out of this cold I have so that I can get back to my preparation for recruit training.

Sick and Alone...

2006-09-20T21:50:00.000-04:00

Today I woke up with a killer sore throat and now my nose is running. It's the first cold I have had in probably 6 months at least. It's the first cold I've had since I've been single. It's somewhat disconcerting to know that no one really cares that you feel like garbage. On top of this nice cold I have, my parents have dropped a bomb on me. They now want to have a sit down to "discuss all my options." Which I believe to be code for sitting down and trying to talk me out of joining the Marines. Apparently, now I have all these "options" that suddenly appeared because I'm making a choice that not too many people agree with. I'm not sure if I should even entertain the idea of this sit down meeting. It's not my mother I'm worried about, it's my father. He has a major issue with control. When he thinks he's starting to lose it, strange things start happening. One such example is him offering to take me shopping for a new wardrobe, since I've recently lost about 25lbs due to running and breakup stress. Another example, I can quit my current full time job, and go back to school full time and finish up my bacchelor's degree, and he will pay my mortgage payment, etc. Doesn't that seem fishy, that all of a sudden someone who you normally couldn't get to squeeze out a penny, is suddenly offering shopping spree's and rent-free life.

Sometimes I wish I could leave for Parris Island next week, or next month, just to get away from all the stress. When it rains it pours, it seems like. If it's not one thing, it's another. Stress with work, home, family or anything gets to be overwhelming after a while. I try to keep a positive outlook and just think of how much longer I have until I have to leave. 5 months to be exact. Then my life will change, hopefully for the better. I went to the poolee function for my RSS last weekend and met with some other poolees and Marines who had been in for a while. Some hated it and wished they never joined, some loved it and would join again in a heartbeat if they had to. I'm hoping I'm one of the people who love it. If I do in fact love it, I will definitely consider going career.

Now that I have this cold, I'm not going to be able to run on my normal schedule, but I'm hoping that it doesn't impact my times that bad. On Tuesday I ran 1.5mi in 13:02, which was only 4 seconds off my best time of 12:58 which I ran at the poolee function. I really do need to work on my crunches, that is definitely my worst spot. I know I need to just buckle down and do it, but by the time I get home from school after a full day of work, usually around 8 or 8:30pm, I just don't feel like doing crunches. I feel like eating dinner and going to bed, which is what I usually end up doing. My morning motivation isn't that great either. I haven't been sleeping all that well since I've been single, a little over 3 months now, and it's definitely been affecting my energy levels. I can get to sleep fine, but I'm usually woken up several times a night by dreams of my ex-b/f with the girl he was seeing on the side, who is now his girlfriend. I often wake up in a panic because of dreams where he's telling me they are getting married, or she is pregnant, or some other horrible scenario. I can't get back to sleep immediately, because I am afraid I will go right back to that point in the dream.

Right now, I'm sipping a cup of hot chocolate to try and calm my throat before I go to bed. I'm trying to stay positive and think about how much different things will be once I'm in and graduate recruit training, but sometimes it's extremely difficult to not spiral back into the thoughts of why things seem to happen to me and me alone, and what in the hell did I do to deserve this. In my mind, the quicker I go to sleep at night, the quicker I wake up and it's the next day, which is one day closer to the day I ship.

Hopefully some of this unneeded stress will pass and my life will return to some level of normalcy. I do miss the closeness of my b/f next to me in bed and waking up to someone that I am absolutely in love with. I hope one day that feeling might return, and I will be happy again. Love is a strange thing and it blinds you to things you would never put up with under any other circumstances. Although love is a bitch, I do miss it.

My First Entry...

2006-09-18T21:41:00.000-04:00

This is my first entry into my blog. I figured I should have something to keep track of things going on during my journey to become a United States Marine. I enlisted on September 9, 2006 for active duty. I have put in for Intelligence (02xx) as my MOS. I ship on February 19, 2007. I'm finishing up my final two classes for my Associates Degree this semester.

A lot of things have happened in my life that led me to this decision. Needless to say, I'm basically the only one happy about my choice. I want to be part of something, I want to earn something no one can take away from me, I want to build self-confidence, self-esteem, and most importantly a backbone. I've been doing what makes everyone else happy my entire life, and put my needs second to everyone elses. The time for that is gone. I felt in order to really strike out on my own and do something, this is what I need to do. I heard a lot of "why didn't you join the Army/Navy/Air Force?" Of course no answer is good enough, but without being offensive to the other branches of service, I don't want to just be in the Army/Navy/Air Force. I want to be a Marine.

I have five months until I ship out to Parris Island for what will probably be the worst three months of my life. Although Parris Island might seem like a vacation compared to what my life has been like the last three months. Now, I'm counting down until I leave. I'm excited now, but I'm sure that will fade into dread once the date starts to approach. I've been PT'ing almost every day to prepare. I know that I'm going to have a hard time fitting in because I'm a female, but I want to overcome this. I'm tired of backing down to everything and everyone.

I tried to enlist in December 2003 with the unbridled support of my then boyfriend. He was really the only one who thought enlisting was a good idea. Unfortunately, I got disqualified due to a tattoo that I had on my upper back of an iron cross. In the two and a half years that followed my first attempt, a lot of things happened in my life, which I'm sure I'll go into in other posts, but it's changed me. I walked back into the recruiter's office in May just to say Hi and see if anything changed with the Marine Corps tattoo policy. Nothing had and I knew my only option was to get the tattoo changed if I really wanted to get in. I thought about it for two months, whether I really wanted to do this. During the two months I spent thinking about changing my tattoo, a lot of things went awry in my personal life. Things went from bad to worse to unbearable. I decided I needed to get out and I knew I could do that and get what I so desperately want by joining the Marine Corps. I changed the tattoo and attempted to enlist again. After many photos, tattoo statements, tests, and encouragement from my recruiters, I finally made it to MEPS for the last big step. I passed the ASVAB with a 96 and all of my line scores being 120+. I passed the physical portion and the "screen out" process. The last step was swearing in.

I walked up to the ceremony room with about 7 other kids, I being the only one enlisting in the Marine Corps. I held up my right hand and swore the oath. At the end I had tears in my eyes as I left the room, because I knew I had just taken the first step to improving the rest of my life and flying in the face of all who doubt me. Needless to say, my family is not happy at all with my decision. They see the military as a last resort for people who can't do anything else with themselves. I am not in that situation. I own my own home, a car, have a good job, and I did well in school. I don't fit the mold of someone who would enlist. I'm doing this because I need to and I want to. I need to escape certain things that I feel I cannot get away from, and I want to change my life and who I am, and I know the Marine Corps will help with that.

This blog is going to be dedicated to my ongoing journey to the Marine Corps and all the events leading up to my decision to enlist. I'm somewhat political as well, so my political opinions will probably shine through once in a while.